Thoughts on Traveling

Got some delicious Sheep Tacos here!

July 15, 2012

Guadalajara, Mexico

After another night on the town which I believe makes 3 in a row, I feel totally beat today. But worse then being just exhausted, I'm also feeling a little thoughtful and as always I'm not exactly sure its a road I'm ready to go down right now (yes pun intended).

A few days ago possibly in Mexico City I slowly came to the realization that this trip was even more important to my own personal well being then even I had known. I also realized that ever since I had left I had been searching for something elusive, as often travelers do, but what that thing exactly is I'm not totally sure. Maybe its as simple as looking for the next great ride through the mountains or breathtaking site, but I can't help feel its something much more important than that. So as a warning for anyone enjoying the lighthearted readings I've posted before maybe its just better to skip this one.

For the last couple years I've honestly seemed to struggle the entire time. I've struggled with my health due to two surgeries both failing to fix the same thing (again use your imagination). The healing time for both of those times was incredibly long, and I don't think I've ever felt so helpless in my life. They weren't life threatening, but if anything they totally challenged my positive outlook on life putting barriers in the way of most if not all things I love to do except of course watching TV. I can happily say now though that I finally think I'm healthy. If there was ever a time that would be proven it would be here on this trip after countless hours on my motorcycle, but to my incredible delight I think that part of my life is finally behind me.

The second struggle I've dealt with and probably the hardest thing I've ever had to face in my life was my failing marriage and all the problems that compounded our difficulties. Perhaps I'm being over dramatic here, but it seemed like from day one we had severe problems. When we were on vacation, going to a concert, or doing something wild and adventurous everything would be perfect. Unfortunately day to day circumstances seemed to be our biggest downfall though. Stress from bills and money, our masters programs, and countless other daily distractions managed to weasel its way in until it finally got to the point you see in the movies were the couple can't even stand to be in the same room as each other. Now how a couple goes from having the most incredible wedding (in my mind at least!) to not being able to stand each other is beyond my writing skills, but it just seemed to slowly happen over time. Without a doubt our grueling hours at work managed to magnify our problems and certainly didn't help, not totally the jobs fault though. At this point I wish I had the energy to make one last attempt and this time try and get some marriage counseling, but like I've said before I'm just not sure I have the strength, the hope, or the drive to try. That may sound cruel or lazy on my part but I believe what I read one time about counseling that both couples have to be totally invested in it, and I'm really not sure if that's something I can do.

With everything I've struggled with these last couple years, the closest thing I can think of that I could be searching for is some inner peace and the person I used to be. I believe I'm searching for the happiness I once had and my own comfort with myself. While I've had endless incredible times experiencing new things and putting myself out there meeting new people, I've really challenged myself with enjoying my own company. For the last couple days alone is certainly the last thing that I've experienced though, so I think I'm also a little hesitant to loose that as well. But just like at the beginning of the trip I have to keep moving forward. The next ride will bring my four hours closer to home and back to the familiar colonial city of Zacatecas. Without a doubt my journey isn't over as confirmed by the 4,000 kilometers distance indicated to me by google maps. Now I just have to wrap to wrap things up, figure out what I've learned about myself from this trip, and get ready for another intense semester.